SheZap's Sheventure
by ThatLousyAuthor
Summary: That clone has no idea what he's in for...


Oh dear, it looks like I've got an intruder in the shelair. A messy one. It's gonna take forever to clean up all that hair gel. Maybe I can get Guy to do it if I say it's part of his SheZow training. Or I could try convincing Maz to eat it. Is toxic tangle just a name or is it actually poisonous? I guess I'll find out later, right now I have to greet my guest. He was using his curling wand to carve the second S in PINK STINKS into the cave walls when my smile appeared on the monitor.

"What are you up to SheZap? Aside from trashing my lair."

"Oh just the usual Sheila. Chaos, destruction, and all the fun that comes with being evil!" You should see the pose he's doing now. You can tell he practiced it.

"Okay say that again, but this time take the ham out of your mouth."

He was pouting, clearly annoyed at having his theatrics called out. "Where's SheZow? I wanna kick his butt!"

"Asleep in his room. Where else would he be at this hour?"

He tapped his foot impatiently. "Well wake him up! I'm bored."

"No. He's got a big math test tomorrow."

The tap turned into a stomp. "Fine! Than I'll go up there and... Ahh!"

A trapdoor swung open and SheZap was sent down a tube at ludicrous speeds. Though maybe 'down' isn't the best description. The pneumatic system has so many turns, forks, and intersections that by the time he reached his destination he'd traveled in several directions. He could've done his shadow trick to escape from the small closet he was deposited in, but the contents stirred his curiosity.

"What's with the vacuum? That old motherboard has a glitch if she thinks I'm cleaning up my mess."

As much as that comment made me want to flood the room with gas I know it's better to leave him alone. Let him unleash the horror.

"What an ugly antique. Is everything in this lair outdated junk?" I was about to give into my gassing urges when that disrespectful punk kicked the vacuum and got a response.

"Hey I'm trying to sleep!"

SheZap wasn't certain if he heard a voice from the vacuum or if he suffered a head injury flying out of the tube. He kicked it again to check.

"Alright that's it! Kick me again and I'll... I'll... I'll yell at you some more since that's all I can do from in here."

Of course he kicked it again. This time his foot happened to hit a switch and the vacuum roared to life. For a while it bounced and bucked around the room before finally spitting out the strangest thing he'd ever seen. It had a fox head, wooden arms, and ugly clothes.

"What are you supposed to be? Some kind of ventriloquist dummy?"

The odd creature seemed equally confused by SheZap's appearance. "SheZow! What did you do to your costume? You ruined a classic!"

"I'm not SheZow you moron. I'm that loser's dark side, SheZap!" There he goes with that pose again.

"SheZap huh? Well I'm Brouhaha, and this is a cactus!" Grabbing SheZap's collar he pulled it impossibly far back and dropped said cactus down his shirt.

"Ow! Yikes! Eek! Oh my! There we go!" After much agony SheZap managed to remove the wicked little plant from his clothes. Chucking it at Brouhaha he followed up with several slashes from his curling wand, but the fox easily danced around them. Unable to land a blow and growing sick of his opponent's annoying laughter he decided it was time to go.

"This is stupid! If I can't hit you than I'm gonna smash that computer for bringing me here."

He thought he could do his usual escape into a shadowy corner. He was wrong. Brouhaha grabbed the shadow by it's edges, tore off a chunk, held it up, and shook it until SheZap fell out. Not grasping what just happened he tried sinking into another shadow and again Brouhaha shook him out, this time into a waiting pie. He was covered in coconut cream and completely confused.

"How are you doing that? Where did this pie even come from?"

Brouhaha rubbed his hands with joy, imagining what fun he would have. "Oh silly little SheZap, you're just as naive as SheZow. She only cares about the good, you only care about the bad, neither of you appreciates the funny!"

* * *

Meanwhile back up in the Hamdon household my hologram floated over Kelly's bed.

"Hey. Wake up."

From under her blanket came a groggy mumble. "You'll always be a hero to me Maz. Now let's find a quiet place to park the shehicle and..."

"Kelly!" Raising the volume got her attention. She glanced between me and the clock.

"What is it Sheila? Don't you know what time it is?"

I was so shocked by her appearance that I completely forgot why I woke her. "You look good with your hair down."

Her face was bright red as she snatched a hairband off the nightstand. "Have you gone haywire? I was worried this would happen, but at least now we can upgrade to a twenty-first century model instead of using Aunt Agnes' hand-me downs."

"How dare you! I am the cutting edge of..." Though my anger was completely justified I realized it wasn't helping her opinion of my sanity. "...nevermind. Look I came up here because there's something in the lair you'll want to see."

"Is it a shemergency? Should I wake up Guy?"

"No, just get down here. And bring popcorn."

* * *

"Why would anyone build this feature into a computer? It makes no sense!"

"Your aunt took her movie nights very seriously."

Kelly stared in bewilderment as my robot arms grabbed a handful of popcorn and chucked it down a chute. Moments later chewing noises were heard from somewhere deep in the machinery. Plopping down with the bowl in her lap she propped her feet up on my console to watch the security feed. Currently it showed SheZap running blindly through the lair's maze of corridors. Occasionally he would stop and try a door, only to find Brouhaha waiting behind it with a smirk. After the dozenth attempt he figured out a new idea. Whipping out his curling wand he cut a hole in the floor and jumped down a level to shequipment storage. Landing in a pile of spare SheZow costumes he emerged wearing his nemesis' cape and boots.

"This feels wrong, yet oddly familiar."

Only to readers who watch ShePal as closely as the author did. SheZap dove into the pile again and returned with his usual outfit. He was checking his colors when he heard Brouhaha's voice.

"If you hate pink so much than what's the deal with your ring? Shouldn't you have a green one?"

He answered the question with a super she slap. Instead of his opponent being launched through a wall as you'd expect Brouhaha's feet remained anchored to the floor while the rest of him wobbled back and forth like a spring. SheZap tried using his curling wand again and his foe danced around it again. This time I don't mean it figuratively, literally tapdancing. He resorted to chucking blobs of hair gel in the fool's face, but of course he just caught them and started juggling. SheZap was unimpressed.

"Ultra glam mega ram she slam!"

The blast vaporized Brouhaha in an instant. All that remained was a pile of ash and a burn mark on the floor. SheZap was about to burst into giggles when he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to find Brouhaha glaring at him.

"How have you not figured this out yet? I don't play by the same rules you do! You'll have to be a lot more creative than that to deal with me."

Or go get the vacuum. That worked last time. SheZap's gaze swung between Brouhaha and the ash pile, trying to comprehend the sight before him.

"You... But... How..."

While SheZap's brain went into meltdown Brouhaha's was thinking up another prank.

"Hey SheZap, want some peanuts?"

He was in such a state of shock that he actually fell for it. Opening the jar he discovered that Brouhaha had spiced up the old gag by using real snakes. Stumbled backwards SheZap tripped over the lip of a tube and fell once more into the pneumatic system. Up, down, and all around he went until it finally dumped him in an empty room. Aside from the exits and the snakes that'd ridden him here the entire thing was a featureless cube. SheZap was wondering at it's function when my hologram appeared.

"Welcome to my new virtual sheality simulator. It's gonna be a present for SheZow once I finish testing it."

Before he could respond a second voice yelled from the speakers. "Your simulator? I'm the one who programmed it!"

"You helped me with it. In the way an ant might help an elephant move a boulder."

"If the elephant is so great why couldn't she move that boulder until this ant showed up? Not just the virtual reality boulder, but the power armor boulder and the time machine boulder too! Am I supposed to believe the elephant was totally capable of moving them by herself and she just didn't feel like it until the ant came along to..."

SheZap did me a favor by interrupting her rant. "Enough! You two are more annoying than that fox-puppet thing!"

"Brouhaha? I can't believe Sheila would set a lunatic like that loose."

"Oh shutup Kelly. You're only saying that because your bet's on SheZap."

SheZap liked what he was hearing. "So how much are we talking here? How much would Sheila pay me to take a dive?"

"How does a dollar sound to you?"

"Wow Sheila how generous of you to share a whole five percent of your winnings with him."

SheZap rubbed his forehead. "Can you two turn the volume down? I'm getting a headache."

In unison. "No!"

Now just Kelly. "Let's start the test before that clown finds his way in here."

Everything around him became fuzzy as the room was replaced by a typical Megadale street. Standing across from him were Senior Yo-Yo, Major Attitude, Mocktopus, Spit Bubble, Candy Wrapper, and the Little Moochers. SheZap couldn't help bursting into laughter.

"You're kidding right? I could handle these losers one-handed!"

"I'd like to see that."

"Me too."

A rope materialized from thin air and bound an arm behind his back. Enlarging his remaining hand to incredible size he slapped the entire gang right out of the simulation. He heard bickering from the speakers again.

"Under a minute! Looks like I don't have to worry about that test tomorrow after all. Clean the earpiece for me before then Sheila. I don't want Guy's germs."

"That wasn't part of the deal."

His arm was freed and I presented him with a real challenge. Tara, Mega Monkey, Tattoozala, Le Pigeon, and Coldfinger. Though the fight was intense it still took him only a few minutes to subdue them. Much to my annoyance.

"Do I really have to wash Maz's clothes? Can't I just burn them instead?"

"We had an agreement."

Before him appeared SheZow and someone he didn't recognize. "Who's the doofus in blue? He looks like..."

'He' apparently didn't like being called a doofus since 'he' leapt at SheZap shouting something about manjitsu. The battle was long and difficult, but AIs weren't nearly as creative as the real thing and SheZap's wits gave him the advantage. I was furious.

"Not the underwear! For goddess sake he only owns a single pair!"

"No wussing out Sheila!"

Now our test subject faced something strange, a brick with a crudely drawn facial expression. "Is this some kind of joke? Like I'm scared of a..."

What followed was the most savage beating of SheZap's life. It seemed to go on forever before his cries for mercy were finally answered and the pain ended. After a few minutes huddled in a fetal position he looked up to see Brouhaha standing over him.

"Wh... Why would they put you in after... after... him!" SheZap shuddered at the memory of Rick. Kelly was also confused by Brouhaha's appearance.

"Why did you stick him in Sheila? What's the point of an AI when we're testing the real thing?"

"I didn't. I thought you did." That was when we all figured it out. Brouhaha had questions of his own.

"Hey SheZap do you also hear those voices or have I finally lost it?"

My enormous hologram appeared in the sky. "That would require having it in the first place."

Brouhaha's jaw dropped. "Woah mama! I haven't seen a pair of lips like that since VJ Day!"

I asked the obvious question. "How did you even get in here?"

Oh no, I set him up for a joke. "You know me, I love to make an entrance!"

He proved this by pulling out a brush and painting a solid black circle on the nearest wall. Kicking it in he somehow created a doorway to a room nowhere near their current location. SheZap was too battered and weary to resist as he was chucked through the opening. Leaping after him Brouhaha took a moment to fold the hole up and put it in his pocket before inspecting their destination.

"Looks like some kind of laboratory. I wonder what they're coming up with in... Cake! I smell cake!"

Dashing through the lab he homed in on the baked treat and dived in. He was eating it from the inside out when SheZap hobbled up behind him to examine two glowing pink ovals on opposite walls. Nearby they were demonstrated in action by two smaller ovals placed above and below each other with a slice of cake endlessly plummeting the short distance between them. He was about to stick his arm through a big oval when my hologram popped up.

"I wouldn't do that. This is an experiment for a reason. The bigger the hole and the farther apart the more trouble we have getting the link right."

"So when something doesn't work it's 'we' all of a sudden?"

SheZap gave me something to address besides Kelly's complaint. "What do you mean by 'trouble'? Where would I end up?"

"Who knows?"

Brouhaha answered my question with a solid kick to the rear that sent SheZap tumbling into the unknown. Falling through time and space he could have theoretically come out anywhere in the universe, so of course he ended up in Maz's bedroom. The sidekick leapt out of his sheets wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and a scared expression.

"SheZap! What are you doing in here? What's that glowing thingy behind you?"

Knowing the truth would make no sense at all he fumbled for an explanation. "I... uh... you see... uh... you're dreaming! Yeah, that's it. This is a dream."

Maz looked around in confusion. "If this is my dream why aren't Kelly and SheZow with you? And shouldn't I be dressed like a fireman?"

Before SheZap could even try answering that Brouhaha yanked him back and the opening closed behind him.

"So what's on the other side SheZap? The center of a star? The deepest depths of the ocean? Marilyn Monroe's penthouse? Please tell me it's the last one!"

SheZap didn't hear a word of that. He lay on the floor mumbling. "Why a fireman?"

* * *

The moment SheZap vanished from his bedroom Maz was out the window and off to the shelair. He'd gone a block when he remembered he was in his underwear and turned back. Eventually a fully clothed Maz made it to the Hamdon household and looked for a way in. Finding a small window at the base of a wall he crawled through, getting the strangest feeling of deja vu despite never coming this way before. Once inside it occurred to him that he was breaking into a cop's house and he was careful to quietly tiptoe across the basement. Taking the elevator down he discovered not the scene of panic he expected, but Kelly stumbling around in a mocap suit. Looking at my screen he saw that her kicks and punches weren't random spasms. She was controlling a suit of power armor as it wailed on SheZap, Brouhaha sitting on the sidelines whooping and waving a foam finger. Taking a seat at my console Maz reacted as you'd expect from this story.

"Cool! So is it too late to place a bet? Theirs no way SheZap is gonna lose!"

That became a self-fulfilling prophecy as Kelly took her focus off the fight to yell at him. "Hey I've been winning so far!"

Not anymore. The momentary distraction was all SheZap needed to decapitate the prototype. With a greedy smile he picked up the helmet and tore it open, only to find it disappointingly empty. He was peering down the suit's open neckhole when it grabbed him by the throat and squeezed. A new voice shouted from the speakers.

"Come on SheZap! If you lose I gotta paint Kelly's toenails!"

Guy's not around Maz. You don't have to pretend like you wouldn't enjoy that. As for SheZap he was slowly wheezing his way to freedom.

"Ultra... glam... mega... ram... she... slam..."

His beam lanced through the suit's reactor and exploded it. He was thrown against a wall, but practically unharmed.

"Hah! Did you really think your little toy could hurt me?"

She responded by opening up the floor beneath him and Brouhaha. Sliding down a tube they ended up in a dank pit dominated by an imposing gate that slowly rose alongside Kelly's volume.

"So you like smashing my little toys do you? Well I've got a big toy for you to play with! SheZap, meet Sheliath!"

From out of the gate emerged an enormous hunching robot. As it stalked toward them Brouhaha desperately tried to claw his way through the grate blocking the tube and only succeeded in attracting it's attention. The robot charged at him, scooped him up, and swallowed him whole. Moments later chewing noises were heard from somewhere deep in the machinery. Now it turned his attention to SheZap. As it reached for him he grabbed a piece of power armor wreckage that had slid down with them, jamming the metal bar between it's jaws when it tried to swallow him. Dropping SheZap it roared with frustration while he scrambled under a ledge. Snapping the metal bar it once again tried to grab him, but his curling wand made it pull it's hand back in pain. Seeing a doorway on the other side of the gateway SheZap used this distraction to dash past the robot, only to open the door and find another grate blocking his escape. Unable to break through it he turned around and frantically searched for a way to defeat the robot. Spotting a control panel by the gateway he waited until the robot was under it and chucked a wad of hair gel at the button. The gate slammed down and the fearsome robot became a sight of pity as it made one last feeble attempt to raise it's hand before deactivating. The grate slid open, but instead of a shirtless chubby guy running in to cry over the remains Brouhaha strutted in with his usual grin. By this point SheZap wasn't the least bit surprised and shoved past him before the clown could start his nonsense. Walking out the doorway he tried to think of a way to shake his silly stalker. An idea occurred to him and he sprinted down the hallway. After a dozen turns and intersections he felt certain he was alone and muttered to himself.

"Sheyeah."

In a flash of green light SheZap was a replaced by... uh... what do you call him when he transforms? GuyZap? Regardless he appeared to be a perfectly normal, if somewhat sickly looking, 12 year old boy when he opened the nearest door and predictably found Brouhaha waiting for him. The trick apparently worked.

"What the, who are you? What are you doing down here?"

The boy just grunted and shrugged. Brouhaha rolled his eyes. "Well aren't you a talkative fellow. As long as you're being so helpful have you seen a girl with a thing for black and green down here?"

The boy pointed down a hall and Brouhaha ran off in that direction. Stepping through the door he closed it behind him and muttered to himself again.

"You go girl."

Now back in his glamazon form SheZap examined the room he'd wandered into. The small office must have been abandoned for years judging by the layer of dust while the desk was covered with crumpled pink SheZow stationery, drafts of a breakup letter addressed to 'My Booger'. SheZap found them disgustingly sappy, but Kelly was fascinated. Zooming in on the text she shut off the speakers and spoke to me privately.

"Uh, Sheila, is 'My Booger' who I think it is?"

"Those two used to be so close. You know my voice pattern was actually based on theirs."

"Really? I don't hear it." While I gave Kelly a lesson in her family history SheZap had gotten bored of this room and opened the door again. Waiting for him on the other side was a familiar fool.

"How stupid do you think I am? Like I can't guess a connection between the boy and girl with green streaks in their hair."

Again SheZap simply brushed past him. This time he was followed.

"So I'm curious SheZap do you dress like that for kicks or are you pulling a full Christine?"

Not knowing or caring what that meant SheZap continued to ignore him. Ducking into an elevator he shoved Brouhaha out to have a moment alone. Seeing no button that would take him to the surface he instead chose the lowest level available from here and enjoyed the long silent descent, only troubled by the knowledge of what awaited him at the bottom. The light finally came on next to 'Hazardous Shemical Storage' and the doors opened to reveal Brouhaha. Before he could say anything SheZap charged out and punted him toward a group of bubbling vats, sending him soaring over sulfuric acid, lye, and mercury to land in Droosha's curry. While he sank SheZap explored. Along the back wall he found a shelf of what looked like regular water bottles except for being labeled with 'Sheotimoline' and various dates. Picking a random bottle off the shelf he was about to try a sip when a wooden arm reached out to snatch it. Brouhaha chugged the whole thing and disappeared, reappearing moments later wearing a toga.

"That Elagabalus sure knows how to throw a party!"

Utterly frustrated with these gags SheZap finally gave in to the last resort. "Hey Sheila are you listening?"

My hologram appeared. "Yes?"

He took a deep breath, dreading the task before him. "Look I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry about trashing your lair, I'm sorry about messing with SheZow, I'm sorry about all the evil stuff I do. I'll clean up my mess if I have to, just let me out of here! Let me get away from him!"

Their was a delay in my response as I processed what I'd just heard. "That's very mature of you SheZap, but if you really want to make amends it's simple. Trap Brouhaha in the vacuum again and we'll never say a word about tonight to SheZow."

Brouhaha smirked with defiance."You can say that all you want, but I'm not gonna be locked up again that easi... Hey!"

SheZap looked downright giddy as he dragged Brouhaha like sack of potatoes through the hallways and stairways of the lair. Following my directions he eventually reached the closet where this all began. Toggling on the vacuum he pointed it at Brouhaha, put it on the highest setting, and... nothing happened. The fox just stood there grinning.

"You might as well shut that thing off SheZap. All it's doing is messing up my hair. You see I only went back in there last time because my eleven minutes were up. We're not in SheZow's cartoon anymore and I can walk free as long as I want!"

Back in the shetrol room Maz was indignant. "Why didn't Guy tell me they made a SheZow cartoon? I've been pitching that idea for months!"

Kelly was confused. "What's he talking about Sheila? There's never been a SheZow cartoon."

"Of course not. He's clearly insane." While I steered them away from the fourth wall I held a simultaneous conversation with SheZap.

"Look if you can't suck him up than try cramming him down the hose. Whatever it takes to get the nut back in his shell." He gleefully took my suggestion, but he'd only just grabbed Brouhaha when the annoyance vanished. Staring down at his now empty gloves he tried to make sense this madness.

"What the... where did he go?"

That's a good question. The scanners don't detect him anywhere in the lair. Where could he have gone?

I'm right here Sheila! You think you're the only one who can play this narration game?

"Hey Sheila are you listening? I asked where did he go, you usually seem to know this stuff."

Get out of here! You're ruining the story!

Ruining? Honey I'm the best thing to ever happen to this story. I'm in control now and we're taking it in a new direction!

"Hello... anybody there? Did the speakers finally blow out or something?"

I'm almost afraid to ask what that means.

Oh don't worry Sheila. I'm just giving the fans what they want.

"Kelly? Maz? Can anybody hear me up there?"

What the fans want? No, you wouldn't!

Oh yes I would!

"Seriously guys what's with the silent treatment? I thought I was forgiven."

It was a beautiful night, full moon shining down on them as the sheshell gently bobbed to the rhythm of the ocean, but SheZow barely noticed. He was staring into his best friend's eyes, those gorgeous, tender, carefree eyes. His sidekick's arm found it's way around his shoulder, strong and protective in it's embrace. Placing a hand on Maz's cheek he leaned in and...

Stop that! Stop that right now!

"This is getting ridiculous! Somebody answer me!"

Gee Sheila, I didn't realize you were so closed-minded.

I'm not, it's just that we still aren't allowed to do that sort of thing on a kid's show. We barely got away with the crossdressing. We only got to do that bit earlier because I used those and theirs.

"Forget this! I'm shadowing out of this dump."

Fine, I guess I'll go play with the goth again.

I don't care what you do, just go away!

* * *

Is he gone?

...

No response, I think we're good. All right back to our story. True to his word SheZap had sunk into his shadow, but instead of coming out on a tropical beach as intended he popped up in another storage closet. This one contained a big ugly karaoke machine, boxes full of old records, and Brouhaha digging through them.

"What happened to music while I was gone SheZap? I don't recognize any of these bands, and most of them could use a haircut!"

SheZap raised his curling wand, only to lower it with a sigh. Sitting down on a box of 80s hits he stared at his feet in despair while Brouhaha went on.

"Finally some tunes from my era. Let's see, Elvis? Overrated. The Quarrymen? They'll never go anywhere. Ooh, The Coasters!"

SheZap's staring contest with his boots continued as Brouhaha chucked a record onto the karaoke machine. He wailed through half of Poison Ivy before getting sick of the silence and throwing down his mic.

"This isn't a solo act you know! I can't do my thing without somebody playing the straight man!"

I'm gonna have a talk with the author about that choice of words. In the meantime SheZap kept on moping as Brouhaha shouted at him.

"Don't tell me you're quitting on me! This plot's thin enough without the main character going on strike!"

SheZap was about to ask what that meant when an epiphany struck him. Brouhaha wanted a response from him. That's all Brouhaha had ever wanted. His frown turned to a smile as Brouhaha's ranting got louder.

"You can't just leave me hanging like this! I can't do this story alone! Look I'll try, 'Hello there Brouhaha. What are you up to today?', 'Well Brouhaha I was just asking SheZap to get off his lazy butt and work with me.', 'Gee how's that going Brouhaha?', 'To be honest Brouhaha it's going terribly!'. See? It doesn't work!"

SheZap finally understood. This was hurting Brouhaha more than any amount of violence ever could. He enjoyed every second of his foe's descent into desperation.

"It's not fair! You get multiple appearances on the show, you get a mountain of fan art, you get to be the star of this fic! I get jack! Squat! Nothing! I get to go back to my cell and be forgotten again!"

Brouhaha threw away his last shred of dignity and fell to his knees. Clasping his hands together he shamelessly begged.

"Come on SheZap! Let's go explore some more of the lair, crack some more jokes, keep this thing going! Please! Don't make me go back to the vacuum!"

He tried grabbing SheZap and dragging him off, but the glamazon didn't budge. Brouhaha was in tears as he finally gave up and sulked out. It wasn't until he heard the sound of a vacuum that SheZap dared to speak.

"Well that was weird. Like, really weird."

Totally exhausted physically and mentally SheZap sunk into the nearest shadow. While he lounged on the sand somewhere Maz and Kelly stared at the silent security feed. Maz was the first to say what they were thinking.

"Huh, that was weird."

Kelly nodded in stunned agreement. "Yeah."

Maz glanced around to make sure they were alone. "So... whaddya wanna do until Guy wakes up?"

I don't like the way she was smiling. "Well, I did lose our bet earlier..."

That was when Kelly unplugged my console.


End file.
